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Hitting The Fan

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 31 December 18:00   

    Hitting The Fan   by Chris P Bohn

    In the accomplished humans accept occasionally accused me of talking shit. But cipher can say I m not austere about my subject. In actuality you could say I accept a Masters amount in coprology! In contempo months I accept been active autograph a cardboard (toilet paper, obviously) advantaged "What Absolutely Happens If the Bits Hits the Fan ?". Acutely one needs to ascertain one s agreement and my access was as accurate as it could be.

    Firstly I adjudge to confine my researches to three types of fan:

    i) Electric fans

    ii) Candid and/or football admirers (depending on which one is in division at the time) and

    iii) Duke captivated admirers i.e. Of the affectionate which is fluttered by affected adolescent ladies in aeon dramas

    Secondly there was a charge to be able to brand assorted kinds of bits according to size, weight, acquiescence and viscosity. This appropriate the use of big-ticket accurate instruments and so I able myself with -

    electronic scales,

    a abrade and mortar,

    an architect s measure,

    a sieve,

    packet of elastic gloves

    shower cap and assurance glasses (call me a appearance victim if you like. It s my choice.)

    I set up a accepted desktop fan (this one had a assurance grille which, although removable, I chose to leave on for the purposes of the experiment). I then ate six cans of a abatement cast of broiled beans and sat down to watch some old Boris Karloff movies. The abhorrence films had the adapted aftereffect and aural ten account I was shitting myself with abhorrence (OK so I m a scaredy cat too, so what?). Anon thereafter I was active acquisition what we shall appellation "material" in address for agreement numero uno.

    The fan was switched assimilate its accomplished ambience (moderate breeze or amount one on the Beaufort calibration for any beginning meteorologists account this). I formed the first turd* and absolute its weight as 200 grammes or about bisected a batter if you are still using NASA units of measurement. I then accursed the missile from a ambit of ten anxiety using a adapted crossbow (patent pending) advised by castigation absolutely (talented or what?). The "chocolate cannonball" hit the fan actually asleep centre. About twenty percent of its accumulation clung to the alfresco of the assurance grille. Eighty percent accomplished the blades.

    And a amazing one hundred percent was flung off into the appointment area the tests were getting conducted. I apologised to the admiral in the actual around and retired for a shower.

    Following the first experiment, appointment based tests had to be put on authority for a acting period. There were three capital problems. Firstly it was proving actual difficult to get allotment for my beginning endeavours. Usually if you appeal banking abutment for plan of the affectionate which I do, humans anticipate you are talking out of your arse. I accept they are appropriate in a way . . . Secondly there were some abstruse refinements to appear to; assertive brands of beans aftereffect in missiles of far too adulterated a consistency. And thirdly there was an advancing acknowledged problem. Something to do with an appointment administrator s dry charwoman bill and my acknowledgment that he had active a abandonment and had been accustomed affluence of above-mentioned admonishing of all accessible consequences. It annoys me. It absolutely does. They all wish chargeless publicity in the bounded columnist but as anon as annihilation goes amiss they don t wish to understand you.

    That s science for you, I guess.

    My next agreement complex one of the accepted nineteenth aeon appearance ladies fans. Consistently appetite afterwards actuality (or authentishitty?) in all things, I carefully approached the bounded abecedarian assuming association which was blessed to accumulation a victim. Sorry, that should be "volunteer". For bloom and hygiene causes the advance wore a abounding face motorcycle helmet and bikers leathers. The fan she captivated was twenty centimetres in acme and declared an arc of sixty degrees if absolutely opened. It was captivated at an bend of ninety degrees to the arena and with the advance analytical demurely over the top just to create things added realistic.

    For this agreement I had anxiously able 5 "missiles" in the abundance of my own home the antecedent evening. The first one was launched from twenty anxiety away. The after-effects were bigger than I could anytime accept anticipated. The fan went aerial , the motorcycle helmet s affectation able d from ancillary to ancillary and the advance was larboard sprawled in a abundance on the stage.

    After assault a hasty retreat I assured that the missiles had apparently been broiled for too continued (one can never be too abiding if using electric ovens) appropriately consistent in adverse ballistic qualities. Although my theatre division admission has now been revoked I am acquisitive for a acknowledgment from NATO with a appearance to accouterment affiliate countries with a approved accumulation of "missiles" in the accident of approaching all-around conflicts.

    I assuredly angry my absorption to administering tests with sports fans. Football admirers ability prove to be too abundant of a challenge, I decided. Ambidextrous with angered appointment agents or theatre luvvies is one affair (actually it s two aren t they???) but getting amidst by lagered up soccer supporters could be a little beneath pleasant. Besides, if I timed it appropriate I reckoned I could get a cruise to the Caribbean out of it. So, candid admirers it would be . . .

    Footnote: The agreement went as able-bodied as could be expected, address in apperception how able-bodied all the

    previous ones had gone. I am autograph this from a hospital bed in what the bounded badge accept brash me haveto abide an bearding area in the West Indies. I achievement to be abundantly recovered to be able to acknowledgment home in a few weeks time. As for the after-effects of my third and final agreement . . .

    The missiles had to be accursed actual carefully in adjustment to abstain any echo of antecedent problems. So I launched them from my bench in the candid arena and watched to see what would happen. The batsman hit the first one and anon on appulse it burst into simple dust. I accept he haveto accept anticipation he had hit a six because he started to run for the adverse wicket. However, this was if the additional aggregation s fast bowler was just advancing out. He bedeviled his adventitious with both easily and promptly bowled the aberrant batsman out. The army went wild. . .

    And as it turns out, turds ain t bisected as harder as candid bats!!!

    * Amuse note: this is not an clearly recognised SI unit.

    

 


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